It's a normal English class at Seven Seas High. The students are in their normal places, including London, who is up the back. Miss Tutweiller finishes writing "History of Fairy tales" on the blackboard as Bailey quickly moves to her seat.
MISS TUTWEILLER (facing the class)
All right, class. This week we will be docking in Germany and visiting the Black Forest, the setting of many famous fairy tales.
London calls out from the back.
LONDON (excited)
Oh! I love Cinderella. The way the sweet stepsisters make that poorly dressed girl sweep up in the attic. Hahahahaha! Although after that, the story just sort of goes downhill.
MISS TUTWEILLER
Tell me about. They're all about young, pretty girls getting swept off their feet by Prince Charming. (quite forceful) But that actually never happens!
BAILEY
It happened to me.
CODY (alarmed)
What?! Who is the guy?
ZACK
It's you, Dumbalina.
CODY (looking down, intimidated)
Oh... (realizes, looks happily at Bailey) Oh!
MARCUS
Well, don't worry Miss Tutweiller. Someday your prince will come.
MISS TUTWEILLER (gradually more pedantic in tone)
Oh, I hope so. I'm tired of kissing frogs. And guys that still live with their mothers. (voice starting to get agitated) And tell you they love you, but then they get married... to YOUR SISTER!!!!!
Miss Tutweiller sighs and gestures with her arms as she goes to the blackboard again.
LONDON(oblivious)
Didn't we study this last week?
No one answers her and she looks away, embarrassed.
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Still in English class, Miss Tutweiller is explaining to the students about the fairy-tales.
MISS TUTWEILLER
Now before we read the fairy-tales, we need to understand the context of the (???) society in which they originated. If we construct a timeline, what we find is, that despite the fact that women were often...
Up the back, London is starting to get tired. She yawns a couple of times and Miss Tutweiller's voice slowly becomes less distinct...
London starts to have a daydream as she falls asleep on the desk. The screen fades in to what appears to be some sort of forest with a pinks sky. London, who is dressed like an evil queen in a stunning red dress and a big puffy wig is twirling around and speaking to the talking mirror from her closet. Evil music plays in the background as London laughs.
LONDON (accomplished, to her mirror)
Mirror, mirror, on the ground: who is the "beautifilist" in the town...d?
MIRROR
You, of course! And I'm not just saying that 'cause you sign my pay-cheques.
LONDON (smiling)
Mirror, I love you.
In the distance, Bailey, who has a black wig on and is carrying a bright flower, is approaching from the forest. She looks beautiful with her blue dress on.
MIRROR
Oh, hold that thought. (London looks worried as Bailey appears in the background of the mirror) I hate to say this, but... she's prettier than you!
London looks quite frustrated as she twirls around and looks over at Bailey, who has a small bird on her palm and is singing gracefully to it.
BAILEY (harmonious tone)
# La-da-da-da-da-da.
The bird hums an echo of what Bailey sung to it.
BAILEY
Fly away, my friend.
Bailey flings her arm up in the air to provide a slope for the bird to fly away on, but it simply falls to the ground with a thump. Bailey seems untroubled by it and walks away happily. London turns back to her mirror.
LONDON
What?! Mirror, you are cracking up!
MIRROR
If it's any consolation, you have a nice personality.
LONDON (gasps, insulted)
I do not!!! And I have absolutely no friends to prove it.
Mr Moseby comes walking in from the forest. He is dressed in a hunting suit.
LONDON
You, hunter, come here.
MR MOSEBY
Oh, good day. You are looking well, queen.
LONDON
Duh?! (walks closer to Mr Moseby, with a devious tone) Hunter, I want you to find a girl.
MR MOSEBY (sigh of frustration)
Oh. You sound like my mother.
LONDON (evilly)
I mean: hunt her down and bring me her head!
MR MOSEBY
I don't think I have a license for that.
LONDON (demanding)
Just do it!
MR MOSEBY (reluctant)
All right. How will I find this girl?
Bailey is sitting on a rock in the background admiring her flower. London cackles.
LONDON (describing Bailey)
She has the face of a goblin. Hair like a witch's broom. And skin as sickly pale as a vampire's tushi.
MR MOSEBY
Got it.
Mr Moseby walks off towards Bailey as London goes and stands in front of her mirror again. Mr Moseby looks around and then turns back to London.
MR MOSEBY
Oh, I don't see anyone like that. (happily pointing at Bailey) Just that gorgeous girl over there!
LONDON (frustrated)
Oh, that's her!
MR MOSEBY (anxious)
Oh, okay! All right.
Mr Moseby walks away from London and towards Bailey to plan his attack. Evil music plays as he puts on a tough face and decides he will strangle her from behind. He gets his hands in position and slowly approaches her... but the evil music stops when Bailey turns around to see him. Mr Moseby puts his hands down and speaks normally to act natural.
MR MOSEBY
Oh, hello...
BAILEY (surprised)
Oh, hello. (stands) You must be one of those dwarves I here run around these woods. (pats Mr Moseby on the shoulder)
MR MOSEBY
I am not! I am of average height for this century!
BAILEY (harmonious and peaceful)
All right. Would you like to help me pick flowers? (grabs Mr Moseby's hand) The roses are in bloom. Come!
Bailey skips off happily towards the rose bush on the other side. Evil music starts up as she bends over and Mr Moseby gets out a knife from his pocket to kill her with. He holds it up in there and slowly approaches her as before... but the evil music stops as he is caught once again when Bailey turns around.
BAILEY (not assuming the worst)
Oh, wonderful! You have a knife.
Assuming the knife is to cut the roses, Bailey takes it from Mr Moseby and kneels down to the roses again. Mr Moseby shrugs and sighs. Bailey cuts some roses and stands up to hand the knife back to Mr Moseby.
BAILEY (handing the knife)
Here you are... careful, that's sharp. Someone could get hurt.
She doesn't realize how that sounds to Mr Moseby!
MR MOSEBY
Oh...
Bailey sniffs her rose and then places it under Mr Moseby's nostril for him to sniff.
MR MOSEBY
Oh!
Bailey puts the rose in the front pocket on Mr Moseby's outfit.
BAILEY
Oh, lovely! (pats Mr Moseby on the nose) Boop!
MR MOSEBY (flattered)
Oh, boop!
Bailey skips off away from him again. Mr Moseby follows her.
MR MOSEBY
Oh, look. The queen wants me to get rid of you. (Bailey sighs in fright and steps away) But, look! But-but, I don't even WANT to be a hunter. (throws his knife away)
BAILEY
Oh, good for you. (touches Mr Moseby on the shoulder)
MR MOSEBY
I wanted to be a musician. Ahahaha. But my father was all (stern voice) "Oh, well, that's not music, that's noise". And I was all, "Well you don't understand me, man! Check this!"
Mr Moseby runs to the bush behind Bailey.
BAILEY (stepping away)
Oh, well I can check this.
Mr Moseby gets a cello out from behind the bush and plays a quick tune which sounds pretty good. He waves his hands around to add effect.
BAILEY (she doesn't like it)
Oh, wow, that is really...(not sure what to say)...original!
MR MOSEBY
Oh, thank you. Look, I would love to help you, but the queen must think that you are dead.
BAILEY
Oh! Uh...
Bailey leans her neck down and puts on her best 'dead' face, sticking out her tongue. She stays like that for a minute, but then wakes up again to see if Mr Moseby likes it.
MR MOSEBY (impressed)
Oh, that's good. (they both chuckle, Bailey looks flattered) But I was thinking more the running away and hiding sort of thing.
BAILEY
Right.
There is an awkward pause where the two of them stare at each other.
MR MOSEBY
And go.
BAILEY
Oh!
Bailey quickly runs away from Mr Moseby and into the forest.
***
Inside a dirty cabin in the woods there are three beds with the covers pulled over all of them. There is also an empty pizza box lying around from "Pinocchio's Pizza". Bailey has found her way to the cabin and is knocking on the door.
BAILEY (VO) (knocking)
Hello! Hello!
Bailey opens the door and peeks her head inside the cabin.
BAILEY
Is anybody here?
Bailey looks around and the state of the beds doesn't seem to catch her attention as anyone being in the room. She steps inside and closes the door which triggers the awakening of Marcus, Zack and Woody, who are dressed as dwarves. They lye up in their beds and scream with shock. Bailey screams also. They all have beards except for Marcus. They all get out of their beds and approach Bailey.
MARCUS
Who the heck are you?
BAILEY
My name is Snow White...(realizes she should hide her identity)...I mean, Snow...Goldstein.
ZACK
I'm lazy.
WOODY
I'm Sloppy.
MARCUS
And I'm...(aside to Bailey)...just crashing here until I can find my own place.
BAILEY
Oh.
Woody is picking his nose. Zack points at him.
ZACK (to Woody)
You want to wait till' we get to the mine to start digging?
WOODY (withdraws his finger)
Okay, but there's a mother load up there.
BAILEY
Um, aren't there supposed to be seven of you?
WOODY
Oh, you're thinking of the seven stuck up jerks who live next door.
ZACK
Yeah. You do one movie seventy years ago and you think you're hot stuff.
BAILEY
Any who, I was looking for a place to stay, but I see this...(looking around)...lovely cabin is occupied.
Bailey turns for the door. Marcus calls her and she turns back.
MARCUS
Oh-ho-ho-ho. Not so fast! Um, maybe you could stay. If you do a little cooking... maybe some cleaning.
BAILEY (crosses her arms)
Oh, what do I look like? The maid?
Zack holds up a small black maids outfit on a coat-hanger from a pile in front of them.
ZACK
You will when you wear the little uniform.
Bailey looks insulted. Marcus reaches for the broom and hands it to her.
***
Back out in the woods, London is admiring herself in her mirror as she turns around when Mr Moseby the hunter walks over from behind.
LONDON
Is the deed done?
MR MOSEBY (bows)
Of course, my queen. I brought you her head as proof.
He puts on a cheesy smile as he offers out a carved pumpkin with pieces of paper hanging it of for hair in the place of a head, hoping it will trick London. London inspects it for a moment and is satisfied.
LONDON
Yup, that's her!
MR MOSEBY
Ah!
Not wanting his luck to run out, Mr Moseby hands London the carved pumpkin and runs off quicker than you can blink. London puts the carved pumpkin on a tree stump nearby. The mirror has worked out the truth.
MIRROR (chuckles)
Geesee... thank goodness she never asked me who's the smartest in the land.
London approaches the mirror.
LONDON
Okay, here we go. (dancing happily) Mirror, mirror, in the woods: now who's got the goods?
MIRROR (scared)
Oh, what does it matter what I think? It's just one mirror's opinion.
LONDON (forceful)
Tell me, or I'll kick the shards out of you!
MIRROR (insulted)
Oh, you are evil!
LONDON (flick of her hand, flattered)
Oh, stop!
MIRROR
Okay, okay. It's Snow White! (London gasps) She's still alive! And she's playing house with some dwarves. (guiltily) Oh, I hate myself!
London turns away from the mirror and looks after Mr Moseby.
LONDON
What?! I've been tricked by that hunter! (leans down to the carved pumpkin's level) And whoever this girl was...
London punches the carved pumpkin off the tree stump and looks into the distance with an evil face as she plots her revenge...
***
Back at the Dwarves Cabin, Baily is humming as she finishes making the beds. The cabin is in a completely different state and everything is clean and as good as new! There's no rubbish on the floor or anything. The dwarves come walking past her towards the door with their chisels.
MARCUS
Bye, Snow.
WOODY
Bye, Snow.
ZACK
It's off to, well, you know...
The three dwarves walk out of the cabin. Bailey closes the door behind them and twirls around harmoniously in a semi-circle as London, dressed in a black coat with a black hood on and a white wig, carrying a basket of apples, comes to the door. She is pretending to be an old woman and crouches her back over slightly.
LONDON (in an old woman's voice)
Hello, my not-at-all pretty.
BAILEY
Oh, hi. (glides over to the door and looks at London) Do I know you?
LONDON (alarmed at first)
No! I'm just an old woman who lives in the neighbourhood.
BAILEY
Oh. You don't look that old.
London takes off her hood and looks flattered. She has a maroon headband in.
LONDON (normal voice)
I've had a little work done. (reaches into her basket and speaks in an old voice again) I brought you a little house-warming gift.
BAILEY (flattered)
Oh, an apple! Thank you.
As Bailey takes her first bite, London wiggles her fingers together with an evil cackle... but nothing happens.
BAILEY
Yummy!
Bailey glides back inside the cabin and London looks confused as she follows after.
LONDON
It doesn't taste funny? (normal voice) Maybe a little poison-y?
BAILEY
No. It's delicious.
LONDON (normal to herself, annoyed)
Darn! Wrong apple.
London looks through her basket searching for the right apple, but they are all red, and all the same, so it is very much like trying to find a needle inside a haystack...London gives up on her search and turns back to Bailey.
LONDON (about the apple)
Can I see that for a second...?
BAILEY
But of course.
London takes the apple and abruptly smacks Bailey on the forehead with it. Bailey collapses to the ground. London looks at Bailey and runs out.
***
Later on, Woody, Zack and Marcus arrive back home from work. They walk in the door and don't yet notice the body on the ground.
WOODY (waving the air in front of him)
All I'm saying, is that Farty should not be working in the mine. All right?
The boys step forward and look down to the ground. Bailey is lying there, passed out, and with a hand resting on her forehead.
WOODY (shocked, hands held in the air)
Wow. Babe passed out on our floor.
Zack walks over to Bailey's side and looks down at her.
ZACK
Wow. It's like a Jonas Brothers Concert around here.
The boys look at each other, unsure of what their next move should be. Woody taps Bailey's feet with his foot.
***
The dwarves have Bailey lying on an old-fashioned wheelbarrow made of wood and Zack is carting her out into the woods. Marcus is leading the way and Woody is walking behind.
MARCUS (looking around)
Come on, come on! Hurry up! Come on. Come on. (signifies for Zack to stop) Right here, right here.
Zack leaves the wheelbarrow and steps away.
WOODY
Oh wait, wait. (Woody places a flower on Bailey's chest and steps away to admire her) Awhhh... okay.
On Woody's signal, Zack tips the wheelbarrow and Bailey's body drops off onto the ground with a small thump. Marcus looks around to make sure no one witnessed it.
***
In the same area, later on, the dwarves are gone and a familiar tune on the cello is heard as Cody, dressed in a shiny prince's cloak with a cape, comes walking along with dignity. He is being followed by Mr Moseby, still dressed as a hunter. Cody sighs and rolls his eyes as Mr Moseby finishes playing his tune and makes gestures with his arms.
MR MOSEBY (almost silent)
Huzzzzzaaaaaahhhhhh... (waving his hand in the air, pretending there is a crowd) Thank you, thank you!
CODY (not wanting to offend)
Wow, that was really... original.
MR MOSEBY
You should hear the whole band. Beauty and the Beasty-Boys.
As Cody walks away, he almost trips over a plant which is covering Bailey's body on the ground where it was left by the dwarves. He leans down to investigate.
CODY
What, the...?
Cody removes the plant from Bailey's body and sad music plays as he looks at her.
CODY (to Mr Moseby)
She's beautiful.
Cody triumphantly leans down to Bailey, and slowly, as he flaps his cloak out of the way, reaches in to kiss her... but all of a sudden, Bailey wakes up and sprays Cody in the eyes with pepper spray. He screams in pain and shock as Bailey gets to her feet.
CODY (in pain)
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! MY EYES!!!!!!
BAILEY (remaining in a serene tone)
WHAT were you doing?
CODY (innocently, can hardly see)
Trying to wake you up with a kiss...
Cody leans down to the ground and rubs his eyes on Bailey's dress.
BAILEY
Ever heard of: (shakes Cody away from her dress) "Hey, wake up!"
Bailey walks away. Cody follows her and bows to her.
CODY
A thousand pardons beautiful maiden.
BAILEY (smirking)
You're forgiven. You are kind of... charming.
CODY (rubbing his eyes still)
So, uh... you wanna' live happily ever after? You know, once I get my eyes checked.
Bailey is transfixed by Cody's charm. She chuckles in delight.
BAILEY (dreamily)
'Okay...
Bailey and Cody hold hands.
***
Back on the other side of the woods, London, back in her red, evil queen dress, is pacing around near her mirror and talking to it. The basket of apples is on the tree stump nearby where she walks.
LONDON (standing still, forceful)
Mirror, mirror, on the stand: don't make me grind you into sand!
MIRROR (as if he is saying it just to please her)
You're the prettiest. No contest. You're hot, like... dragon's breath.
London gasps with flattery as she hears these words spoken to her, unaware they are untrue.
LONDON
Really?! Thanks. Well, I try to take care of myself. (moves her arms in a circular motion) Exercise, eat lots of fruit and veges...
London reaches for the basket of apples and takes a bite from the first one she grabs. But her face goes still in expression all of a sudden as she realizes she took a bite from the poisoned one that she lost earlier on...
LONDON
Oh-oh...
London falls to the ground with a thump.
MIRROR
I love a happy ending! Hahahahaha!
It's the end of the fairy-tale. Zoom out on London lying on the floor with the apple in her hand still and the Mirror lighting up as it laughs.
***
Back in class, the students are getting more and more disinterested in Miss Tutweiller's teaching. London is lying on the desk fully asleep. Miss Tutweiller is writing on the board and talking.
MISS TUTWEILLER (as she writes)
The themes of abandonment continued in fairy-tales, because pheasants were so poor they often couldn't afford to feed their families. Fairy-tales from many different cultures throughout history were often used as...
A few snores are head from various class members, but in particular Cody starts to drift off... he leans his down and he begins to have a day-dream about his own fairy-tale.
***
This time it is a parody of Hansel and Gretel. Mr Moseby, who is the father, is leading Zack and Cody through a wood that has a yellow sky. Zack is Hansel and Cody is Gretel.
MR MOSEBY (loud)
Come on kids, keep up!
ZACK (unhappy)
I hate walking. Can't we just stay home and watch some TV? Old Woman and Shoe Plus Eight is on.
Cody is following at the rear, dropping tiny pieces of bread everywhere he walks.
CODY
Too much TV will rot your brain, Hansel.
ZACK
Can it, Gretel!
Cody steps up to Zack's face.
CODY (angry)
How many times have I told you?! I prefer to be called Greg!
ZACK
Hey, look. It's not my fault mom wanted a girl!
Mr Moseby comes and places an arm around Zack and Cody.
MR MOSEBY
Now, now, let's not bicker. It's a beautiful day. It's wonderful to be out here taking a walk...DEEP in the woods. (squeezing Zack and Cody, fake) With my "two favourite boys", eh? (walks aside)
ZACK (whinging)
I'm hungry.
MR MOSEBY (shrugging)
I can't imagine why. You've already eaten me out of the house and home. (snickers and punches Zack on the shoulder playfully)
Zack turns around and notices that Cody has been dropping pieces of bread on the ground.
ZACK (outraged)
You have bread and you're throwing it on the ground?!
CODY
I'm leaving a trail. Just in case we get lost.
ZACK
What happened to your compass?
CODY
I lost it.
Cody turns around and drops some more bread on the ground. Mr Moseby jumps up on the tree stump nearby where they are standing to make an announcement.
MR MOSEBY (looking up)
Hey, look! The emperor has no clothes.
As soon as Zack and Cody look in the direction Mr Moseby was pointing, Mr Moseby legs it off in the opposite direction.
MR MOSEBY (running away)
So long, suckers!
Zack and Cody turn back around to find Mr Moseby when they discover he was only joking, but he is not there.
ZACK (looking around)
Father? (panicking) Father?!
CODY (proudly)
See? This is why I wanted to leave a trail.
From behind, Woody, who is dressed up as a giant squirrel, has been picking up and eating all the pieces of bread that Cody has left on the ground. Zack draws Cody's attention to the direction it is coming from.
CODY (yelling at the squirrel)
Hey! Hey! Shoe, squirrel! Shoe! Get out of here, you get!
The squirrel (Woody) stares at Cody for a moment and then abruptly pushes him onto the ground. Cody screams in a high-pitched voice. Zack looks over at the squirrel with a nervous smile.
WOODY (SQUIRREL) (forceful)
I like your hat.
Zack takes off his hat and offers it to Woody.
ZACK (humbly)
It's all yours.
Woody snatches the hat and then jumps in Zack's face. Zack looks scared for a moment but watches the squirrel (Woody) walk off chuckling. Cody remains on the ground but as soon as the squirrel is out of sight he jumps to his feet slowly and whacks his hat clean.
CODY
Wow. Tough forest.
***
Some twinkly music plays as the next scene for the parody begins: the house made of candy. There's a gingerbread table in the middle, lollypops and candy-canes everywhere... Zack and Cody are standing at the open door knocking to see if anyone is in.
CODY
Hello? (he and Zack walk in) See, I told you. An empty house.
ZACK (excited)
Made of candy! (runs over to the fireplace and grabs two big lollypops) Score! (licks one) Oh, delicious.
CODY (watching Zack, disturbed)
That's not very healthy. Maybe we should keep walking and see if we can find a house made of tofu.
Cody drags Zack to the door.
ZACK (not serious)
Oh, good, idea, man! Okay, you look for that – and I'll stay here and warn any passing kids about the dangers of tooth decay.
Zack keeps on sucking on his lollypop and from behind, an old woman with dark skin, a wart on her nose and a witch's hat, sneaks in from the front door up to Zack and Cody. It is Miss Tutweiller underneath all the prosthetics. She looks pretty sneaky and downright scary!
MISS TUTWEILLER (approaching, with a sneaky voice)
Hello, children. (snickers under her breath)
Cody stares at her suspiciously for a minute. Zack doesn't seem disturbed at all.
CODY
Oh, is this your house? Oh, I'm sorry if we were disturbing you.
Cody goes to step out of the house but Miss Tutweiller stops him.
MISS TUTWEILLER
Oh, not at all. (cackles like a witch and pokes Cody in the stomach, then walks to Zack and does the same) Look at you poor, skinny children. Why, you're welcome to stay here and eat whatever you like.
ZACK
Awesome!
Zack places his lollypops on the gingerbread table in the middle of the room.
MISS TUTWEILLER (to no one in particular, evilly)
And later on I'll do the same thing... (rubs Zack's hair and licks her finger)
Miss Tutweiller walks off into the corner of the room and Cody eyes her as she does so. Zack is completely transfixed in eating as much as he can, and he goes to the chair made from ginger and rips a leg off it and licks it.
ZACK
Hmmmm! Maple.
Cody drags Zack aside by the arm over to the door.
CODY (low tone, worried)
Hansel, I've got a bad feeling about her.
ZACK (unconcerned)
Why? 'Cause she has a witch hat and a big warty nose? Who cares?! She's my new Sugar-Mumma. (Miss Tutweiller looks over and Zack approaches her) 'Comin, 'mumma!
Cody stays at the door. Zack goes and sits at the gingerbread table. Miss Tutweiller is now holding a book as she walks and looks at Zack.
MISS TUTWEILLER (about Zack)
Oh, delicious... I mean, "delightful".
Miss Tutweiller rubs Zack on the head as he keeps eating and she lifts her book up higher which reveals the cover: "The Low Carb Kid Diet".
***
A little while later, Miss Tutweiller is out of the room and Zack is sitting at the table still and is sucking on a rainbow twirly-pop. Cody walks past him carrying a toilet roll.
CODY
I can't believe you ate the toilet.
Zack puts down what he is gobbing at.
ZACK (de-energized)
Uh, yeah...(stands to reveal that his thighs are quite wide!)...I probably should have saved that for last. Sorry, Gretel.
CODY (annoyed)
It's Greg! And you should really cut down on the sweets. (matter-of-factly) I find that eating in moderation and daily exercise is the key.
Zack doesn't care at all as he reaches for a candy necklace.
ZACK
Oh, yeah, about that. I also ate your treadmill.
CODY (surprised)
That wasn't made of candy.
ZACK
That explains why I have the runs. (chuckles and jogs on the spot)
Zack keeps on jogging and the stress gets to him. He stops and pants as he grabs Cody's shoulder. He walks away and Cody walks over to the pantry.
CODY
There's got to be something I can use around here to make a salad.
Cody opens one side of the pantry door and nothing is there. He opens the other side and it reveals the base of pie with Bailey's head sticking out of the top! She is smiling.
BAILEY
Hi, there.
Cody gets a shock and steps back with a loud high pitched scream. Zack walks over screaming and looks at the pie as well.
ZACK (screaming)
ARGHHH!! Why does that pie have a face?!?!
CODY (loud)
I don't know!!! (calm, checking Bailey's face out) Although, she is a cutie-pie. Hello...
Cody walks over closer to the pie and leans on the cupboard as he checks her out. Bailey does her normal chuckle of flattery.
ZACK
Dude, you're flirting with pastry.
CODY
Yeah? Well you're flirting with hyper-tension.
Zack looks away, embarrassed. Cody turns back to Bailey.
BAILEY
Listen, you two are in grave danger. The woman who lives here is a witch, who fattens kids up before she bakes them into pie!
CODY (worried)
We've got to get out of here!
ZACK
Yeah!
Cody dashes out the front door and Zack slowly follows behind. Because of his recent gain of weight around his thighs, he struggles greatly to match Cody's pace. He pants for breath and makes a stop against the chair for a moment. He continues and tries to get out the door, but with a sound of tension against the sides of his shorts, he gets stuck in the doorway! He tries to get out but with little success.
ZACK (calling to Cody)
I'm stuck! Come here.
Cody runs over and puts his arms around Zack to try and pull him out.
CODY
You just had to eat the coffee-table.
ZACK (whimpering)
But... it was coffee flavoured!
Cody stops trying to get Zack out the door when the two of them look down the pathway and hear a familiar cackling voice, that of Miss Tutweiller (the witch).
CODY
Oh, no! The witch is coming back!
Cody pushes Zack with much struggle into the house again. Cody runs to the back and gets the broom. Zack starts to munch on his candy necklace again.
ZACK
Need...food...
Miss Tutweiller glides into the house.
MISS TUTWEILLER
What is going on here?
ZACK/CODY (pretending to be innocent)
Nothing...
Miss Tutweiller gives a long sigh as she looks over to the pantry and finds that her "kid-pie'' is fully visible. She runs over and gets down to its level.
BAILEY
Oh, hellllllloooo...
MISS TUTWEILLER (angrily, to Cody and Zack)
Have you been snooping in my pantry?!
CODY (pretending like he hasn't, thinking on the spot)
...What talking pie...?
Miss Tutweiller walks over to Cody and snatches the broom off him and starts to corner him and Zack down.
MISS TUTWEILLER (evilly)
Hmmm... you're not meaty enough to make into a pie... but I can boil your bones and turn you into a yummy (???)!
By now, Miss Tutweiller has cornered Cody alone to the pantry. Zack is at the front door now trying to resist eating more of the candy.
CODY (nervously)
Or, or... and I'm just spit-balling here, maybe, um...uh... make something without kid in it?
MISS TUTWEILLER
NO!!!!!
Miss Tutweiller goes to jump on Cody but he runs away and she tumbles down beside the pantry. Her arm is bitten by Bailey. She screams with shock but then releases herself.
MISS TUTWEILLER (to Bailey)
Biting people is NOT NICE!
BAILEY (vicious)
Says the woman who baked me into a pie!
MISS TUTWEILLER
Oh, I've got you now...
Zack and Cody are trying to escape from the front door. Miss Tutweiller runs over to them and Cody accidently pushes Zack towards her and Miss Tutweiller lands on the ground, with Zack on top of her.
MISS TUTWEILLER
Oh! Oh! Get off me, Humpty-Dumpty!
She tries to push him off but has little success.
ZACK
Not until you promise to stop cooking with kids.
MISS TUTWEILLER (despairingly)
Oh, never! It's my only joy in life...
CODY (tuts)
No wonder she's single.
Miss Tutweiller finally manages to push Zack off of her.
MISS TUTWEILLER
Oh! You ungrateful little mortal!
Miss Tutweiller runs to the back and gets an egg beater and runs off to face Cody. Zack has trouble getting up but after a few heaves follows after her.
MISS TUTWEILLER (to Cody, rolling the beater in his face)
WHAT did you just say?
CODY (stressed, hands up)
Uh, I'm just saying, that, maybe you're using kid pie to fill some kind of void in your life?
Cody leans back for the worst, but all of a sudden, Miss Tutweiller calms down and stops rolling the beater.
MISS TUTWEILLER (calmly)
Well, I guess I am kind of lonely. (pause, looks at Bailey) I just kept that pie around so I'd have someone to talk to. (vicious) But she's mean!!
BAILEY (accusingly)
Kid-cooker!!
ZACK
You know, Prince Charming wanders these woods all the time, just trolling for babes.
CODY (aside to Zack)
Yeah, but he's not looking for a babe who is a troll!
Miss Tutweiller walks over to the table. Zack and Cody follow her.
MISS TUTWEILLER (sadly)
Oh, well he's a prince. He's not interested in a witch like me.
ZACK (comforting her)
Aww, you're not a witch. (Miss Tutweiller looks at him, he is shaken) You're a hag at worse.
Zack looks at Cody.
CODY
You know what? You just need a makeover.
Cody goes behind Miss Tutweiller and pulls up a chair for her to sit on.
CODY (hopeful)
You know: style that hair, shave that mole. Maybe a mani-pedi, Hansel take her feet.
Miss Tutweiller is sitting down on the chair at this point and leans her foot over towards Zack. He bends down and finds that it is very large, hairy, brown, and ugly. Zack walks over to Cody's side and covers his mouth to stop vomit from coming out.
ZACK (aside to Cody)
Can't we just push her in the oven? (gestures with his hands)
Miss Tutweiller is fiddling with her fingers as the boys discuss what their next move should be.
***
A little while later, a lot of work has been down to the witchy Miss Tutweiller. She is standing in front of the boys with a completely new hairdo, lots of make up on, and pink toenail polish and finger polish on. She is admiring her new look as the boys whistle.
MISS TUTWEILLER (smirking)
Do you really think I look pretty?
CODY
Gorgeous.
ZACK
Stunning.
BAILEY (disgusted)
Ohhh. Quick, someone eat my eyes. Ehhh.
CODY (to Bailey, low toned)
Shut your pie hole!
Bailey sighs and rolls her eyes.
MISS TUTWEILLER
So, who'd you fix me up with? Prince Charming?
ZACK
Close!
Miss Tutweiller claps her hands together excitedly as Zack goes to the door and whistles loudly. Woody, the squirrel from earlier on in the parody, slowly chugs to the door with a small bundle of flowers. He doesn't look happy, and Miss Tutweiller isn't really impressed.
WOODY (unenthusiastic)
Ready, toots?
MISS TUTWEILLER (reluctant)
Okay. (goes over to Woody) So, where are you taking me?
WOODY
Someplace dark.
Woody chucks the flowers at Miss Tutweiller and walks out the door. Zack and Cody look away guiltily for a moment, but Miss Tutweiller turns to them and is still eager for her date.
MISS TUTWEILLER
Well, goodbye!
Miss Tutweiller waves at the boys and walks out the door after Woody. The boys look at each other with relief.
It is the end of the second fairy-tale parody.
***
Back in English class, there are even more students asleep than before. Zack is only barely awake... Bailey is at the front desk looking bored out of her brains and Woody is yawning away. Miss Tutweiller is at the blackboard still talking away, completely oblivious to snoring going on behind her. She is still writing her timeline and it is longer than before.
MISS TUTWEILLER (to the class)
Now by the end of the eighteenth century, after years of women being treated like cattle, we finally saw the birth of feminism.
It's Zack's breaking point. His head thumps down on the desk as he falls asleep. The screen fades into his daydream... it is now his turn to picture a fairy-tale...
***
And this time round is a parody of Jack and the Beanstalk. Miss Tutweiller is wearing a white dress and a piece of material on her hair. She is standing outside a house.
MISS TUTWEILLER (calling)
Jack! Jack!
Zack, who is dressed up in a green suit like a young boy, comes over from behind through the bush.
ZACK
What?
MISS TUTWEILLER
Oh! I need you to go to the market and sell our cow.
Miss Tutweiller hands Zack a whipping stick. Over at the other side, Bailey, who is dressed completely like a cow, is leaning on a tree stump with a dignified attitude in her stance.
BAILEY (cheeky)
You're calling ME a cow?
Miss Tutweiller opens her mouth in an 'O' shape and looks at Bailey with offense. She pushes Zack towards Bailey.
MISS TUTWEILLER
We need the money for food.
ZACK
What's wrong with a hamburger? (Bailey slaps him on the neck and he turns to her) Hey! Keep your hoofs to yourself. Come on. MOOOOOOVVVEEE.
BAILEY (fake laughter, sarcastic)
Hahahaha. I've never heard that one before.
Zack and Bailey walk off together. Miss Tutweiller rolls her head and goes off towards the house.
***
Zack is following behind Bailey as they walk through the woods. They stop.
ZACK (whinging)
My feet are tired. I'm really thirsty. I sure could use a glass of milk.
BAILEY
Don't even think about it. Just hurry up and sell me already.
ZACK (unhappy)
All right. Come on, let's go.
Zack leads Bailey away. Out from the woods, Marcus approaches. He is wearing a black vest and is selling things on the side.
MARCUS (going to Zack)
Hey! Psss, psss. Wanna' buy some beans? (opens one side of his vest to reveal lots of watches hanging) Oops, I'm sorry. Wrong side. (opens the other side to reveal heaps of beans attached)
ZACK
Beans? What kind of idiot do you think I am?
Marcus shows him some green beans on his hand.
MARCUS (waving them under Zack's chin)
But these are magic beans.
ZACK
In that case, deal!
Zack is one gullible boy. He takes the beans and ushers Bailey towards Marcus.
ZACK
She's all yours. (hands Marcus the stick) You're gunna' need this. (Marcus takes the stick and Zack smiles as he looks at the beans) Mum's gonna love these!
***
But it is the exact opposite. Back outside the house, Miss Tutweiller has the beans in her hand is looking at Zack with disgrace.
MISS TUTWEILLER (in disbelief)
You traded our cow for these beans?
Miss Tutweiller slaps Zack on the back of the head. He looks at her, hurt.
ZACK
In retrospect, I guess I should've traded her for a helmet. (Miss Tutweiller sighs and walks away. Zack follows her and speaks with hope) You know, they are magic beans.
MISS TUTWEILLER (angry)
Oh, yeah. They made our food budget disappear! Look, there is no such thing as magic beans.
Miss Tutweiller throws the beans away behind her. Suddenly, a giant tree forms from the ground and goes so high that Zack and Miss Tutweiller have to stare up at the sky to see the top.
ZACK (pointing at the tree)
Glad that didn't happen while they were in my pocket!
Miss Tutweiller walks closely over to the tree and inspects something. She pulls off a green bean.
MISS TUTWEILLER (hopefully)
Well, I guess we can eat green beans for the rest of our lives.
ZACK
Wow, wow, wow, wow. What?! (pointing up the tree) I'm gunna climb up there and see if there's a food court. I'll be right back.
Zack runs over to the tree and starts to climb up the beanstalk. Miss Tutweiller stands aside and watches him.
MISS TUTWEILLER
Yeah, that's what your father said.
***
A little while later, and Zack has finally made it to the top. At the top is the entrance into a small little house. Zack takes a sigh of relief as he looks down.
ZACK
Wow. What a view from up here.
Zack enters the house with a smile. Inside is like a tree-house type thing with a bed, a fireplace, and toys everywhere. His face lights up even more when he notices in the middle of the room there is a small table with food on it. There is a giant girl doll and a teddy bear sitting at the table. Zack runs over.
ZACK
Yay, supper! Please let it not be beans. (he picks up a donut from the table and finds that it is squeaky and plastic) Plastic? (he discards it and looks around at all the toys) Ohhhh. This is some kind of massive dollhouse. Huh. (touches something) But who would have one this giant?
The ground starts to rumble. There are giant footsteps approaching Zack and a loud, intimidating voice that is Mr Moseby's can be heard from outside. Mr Moseby is the giant of the story.
MR MOSEBY
FI FIE FO FUMB. I SMELL THE BLOOD OF A HOOLIGAN.
ZACK (worried)
Uh-oh.
Zack looks for a place to hide and decides the best thing to do is to blend in with the doll and the teddy bear sitting at the table. He sits down in between them and holds his arms out in a still gesture, keeping a smiley face. His hand stops the bear from falling to the ground. Mr Moseby's face is seen in a huge close-up at the door from which Zack entered. He has blonde hair.
MR MOSEBY (sniffing)
Hmm. I could've sworn I smelled hooligan. I...I think I'm getting a cold. Ahhh...ACHOOOOO!!!
Mr Moseby releases a massive sneeze. The wind from his nose flies through the house and shakes the atmosphere a little. Mr Moseby walks away from the door and the blue sky is seen once again. Zack gets up.
ZACK (disgusted)
Eeeuuuuhhh. (about Mr Moseby) He should cover up that honker.
London's voice is heard from behind.
LONDON (VO)
Honker? Are you talking to me?
Zack thinks that is the doll at the table talking so he leans in to have a closer inspection. But it isn't.
LONDON
Over here! HONK!
Over by the fireplace, London is dressed in a fluffy white dress and a yellow snout like a goose. She waves at Zack and waddles over to him. He sees her as potentially a food item.
ZACK (placing a hand on London)
Oh, now we're talking! Hey, wanna' come to my place for... dinner?
LONDON (gasps, nods)
Sure! What are we having? Pizza? Oh, I love pizza. HONK!
ZACK (looking at London)
Actually, I was thinking a nice goose-liver pâté.
LONDON
Oh, that sounds delicious...(realizes)...Wait a minute...
Zack plucks a feather from London's dress. She screeches and waddles away, but doesn't get far when she needs to stop.
LONDON
HONK!
London releases a golden egg from her you-know-where.
LONDON (pointing at the golden egg)
Does it look like me?!?!
Zack picks up the golden egg in disbelief.
ZACK
Wow! A golden egg!
LONDON
Mm-hm.
Cody's normal, "stick-to-the-rules" voice is heard from behind.
CODY (VO)
Ah, that does not belong to you!
Cody walks into the frame. He is wearing brown clothes and has half a harp sticking out of his chest. London runs and hides behind Zack.
ZACK (looking at Cody's chest)
And just what are you supposed to be?
Zack brushes Cody's harp strings. Cody chuckles for a second but then stops quickly.
CODY (angry)
Stop it, that tickles! I'm a harp. And YOU'RE not supposed to be here.
ZACK
Mind your own business.
Zack hardly plucks one of Cody's strings.
CODY (hurt, defensive)
Ow! Quit playing me.
The ground starts to shake again. The three in the room lose their balance. Mr Moseby is approaching.
MR MOSEBY
FI FIE FO FUMB! (to Cody) Frankley, where did I leave my pumpkin hankey?
CODY
Uh...
Zack runs over to the table in the middle of the room and throws the teddy bear off his seat and takes the place, sitting down with a charming grin.
CODY (pointing at Zack)
Thief! Thief! Thief!
Mr Moseby's giant eye is looking in the window.
MR MOSEBY (angry)
Where?!
London and Cody point at Zack.
LONDON
There! HONK!
Zack stands.
MR MOSEBY (angry)
You? YOU'RE TRYING TO STEAL MY GOOSE AND MY HARP?!
London snatches her golden egg back.
ZACK
Well, actually just the goose. The harp is annoying.
MR MOSEBY
You DARE steal from a giant?!
Zack walks closer to the door and looks out at Mr Moseby.
ZACK (pointing)
You're kind of short for a giant, aren't you?
MR MOSEBY
I happen to be SIXTY FEET TALL! (pause, as Zack puts his hands on his hips, embarrassed) Okay, fifty-nine and a half.
ZACK (pointing around)
What's with the doll house?
MR MOSEBY (embarrassed)
It's...for my niece. (London looks at Cody with confusion, continues forceful) If you are threw talking, I am going to smash you to bits!
Cody walks forward with a victorious arm.
CODY
Yeah!
MR MOSEBY
...With my harp.
CODY (in fear)
WHAT?!
***
Back down on the ground, Miss Tutweiller is outside collecting logs of wood. She drops the piece she is carrying in shock when Zack comes running towards her, followed by Cody.
ZACK/CODY (screaming)
HELP! HELP!
MISS TUTWEILLER
Oh...
ZACK (pointing upwards)
There's a giant after us!
Miss Tutweiller does not believe him.
MISS TUTWEILLER
Oh, please. This is just like the time you cried wolf.
ZACK (in a rush)
No, really! He-he lives up there (points upwards again) and he's got some kind of goose that lays golden eggs...
Miss Tutweiller still doesn't believe him.
MISS TUTWEILLER
Yeah, right.
LONDON (VO)
HONK!
From above, a golden egg drops down onto Miss Tutweiller's head and then falls to the ground. She looks at it and then looks at Zack with confusion.
ZACK
Hurts, doesn't it?
MR MOSEBY (VO)
FI FIE FO FUMB. I'M GOING TO EAT YOU ALL UP. YUM!
Finally, we get to see the whole of Mr Moseby's giant figure. He is standing up tall and the people on the ground are looking up at him. The top of the beanstalk is covered by a cloud.
MISS TUTWEILLER (worried)
It is a giant! Argh!
Miss Tutweiller slaps Zack on the back of the head again.
MISS TUTWEILLER
WHY DID YOU LEAD HIM BACK HERE?!?!
ZACK (frustrated)
Stop SMACKING ME!
MISS TUTWEILLER
Oh, I'm just trying to wake you up! Hoping this is all a dream...
Miss Tutweiller keeps on smacking Zack across the back of the head, but it doesn't seem to awaken him.
CODY
Wait, maybe I can help.
Cody plays some strings on his harp and as the music plays, the screen gradually fades out and back into the classroom on board the SS TIPTON...
***
Miss Tutweiller is still talking to the blackboard, unaware her class is all asleep.
MISS TUTWEILLER
Which is when the Brothers Grimm wrote them all down in a book.
ZACK (mumbling in his sleep)
Giant...
Miss Tutweiller doesn't look to see that he is asleep.
MISS TUTWEILLER
Yes, Zack. A giant book.
Miss Tutweiller sits down on her desk and opens up an old, giant book.
MISS TUTWEILLER [CONT'D]
But don't worry, there are lots of pictures.
Zack fumbles around on his desk in his sleep. He is obviously still having the same dream.
ZACK (mumbling)
Don't smack me...
Miss Tutweiller still is oblivious to the fact that her entire class is asleep as she looks through the book.
MISS TUTWEILLER
Oh, Zack. Though I often wish I could, the school board would not allow that.
We finally see a full view of the students when Woody starts snoring. Bailey is asleep, as with Cody, London and Zack. Marcus is on the ground asleep and some extra students are asleep on their desks. Woody snorts and scratches himself. Miss Tutweiller finally takes a look. She closes the book and looks at her class.
MISS TUTWEILLER (concerned)
Oh. I put my entire class to sleep.
For a moment it seems as though she was upset. But she looks at her watch and grabs her purse with a smile.
MISS TUTWEILLER (to herself)
Well, that gives me twenty minutes to go and get a pedicure. My feet are getting' kinda' gnarly.
Miss Tutweiller chuckles and tip-toes out of the classroom, leaving them to sleep peacefully.
***
The Suite Life on Deck © Walt Disney. No infringement is intended through the transcription of this episode originally written by Jeny Quine & Dan Signer.
