At night – out on the sky deck. Zack is behind the counter at the smoothie bar, and Cody walks over with some towels.
Cody: Whoaw, slow night. Are you as bored as I am?
Zack: I was as bored as you. Then you showed up and I'm even more bored!
Cody: The most fun I've had all night was cleaning up the lint trap in the laundry room.
Zack: Whoaw! Next time can I watch?
Zack and Cody turns as they see a harness clamps onto a table on the landing adjacent to the staircase, a man takes off his swimsuit to reveal a formal tux. As a figure in black approaches, a violent fight between him and the man in the tux ensues. The fight takes them down the stairwell – Zack and Cody crouch underneath the counter watching with endorsement. Eventually the man in the tux throws the man in black overboard, and throws a life circle overboard after the splash.
James Smith: Europe is to the left!
Zack: …things just got slightly less boring…
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Zack and Cody come out from beneath the counter.
Zack: That was awesome!
Cody: We have to go tell Mr Moseby.
Zack: Are you kidding? He didn't even believe me when I told him the men's room was out of soap.
Cody: Maybe because you never use soap, now let's get out of here!
As they turn away, they are stopped by the confrontation of the spy.
James Smith: Gentleman. I'm afraid I can't let you go after what you've just seen.
Zack: I didn't see a thing…I was tying my shoe!
Cody: I was helping him…no, really, the loops confuse him.
Zack: So, we won't say a thing, but just between us…are you a spy?
James Smith: Yes. I work for the NSA. My name is Smith. James Smith. But you can call Smitty, or J-Dogg.
Cody: OK, J-Dogg. Well clearly you have a license to kill, or at least a learner's permit, so we'll just be on our way. Cheerio!
James Smith (holds up pen): Hold it!
Zack: Argh, laser pen!
The two of them madly hide behind each other in fright.
James Smith: No, it's just a pen. I need you both to sign this…(takes out paper)…confidentially agreement.
Zack: Oeky-doke.
Zack quickly takes the paper and signs it. Cody paces, reading through it.
Cody: Mm-hm…argh, wait. Right here it says in the event of a dispute, an arbiter shall be chosen by a third party, it is…
James Smith: This may just be a regular pen, but I can still jab you with it.
Cody (quickly signs paper): …Cody Martin…
He hands the paper back to James Smith, who then takes a sip from the cup on the counter.
Zack: Argh, Mr Smith…that prune wiz went bad weeks ago!
Cody: Oh, don't worry. I'm sure it's part of his spy training to become impervious to any potentially poisonous substance.
James Smith: True. Unfortunately, I was absent that day…I was…bathroom!
He runs off towards the bathroom, covering his mouth.
Cody (calling): That's the ladies restroom!
James Smith: Don't care!
***
Zack and Cody run up to the reception desk, where Mr Moseby is standing behind the counter.
Cody: Mr Moseby, there's a spy on the ship!
Zack: And he got rid of another spy by tossing him overboard!
Cody: But don't tell him we told you because we signed our names to a confidentiality agreement.
Zack: Actually, I signed Mr Moseby's name.
Cody: Oh, good thinking.
Moseby: A spy, huh? Is this like the time you were being chased by a leprechaun?
Zack: You've 'gotta admit, that guy was short.
Cody: And green.
Moseby: He was a seasick little person!
Zack: How do you explain the pot of gold?
Moseby: He was delivering London's allowance!
Cody: OK, but…
Moseby makes childish noises to get them to be quiet.
Moseby: Just go away. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a real problem to deal with on the lido deck. Someone spotted a unicorn! (snorts exclaim)
As Moseby walks away, Zack sighs and his mobile goes off. He looks up at the text message.
Zack: It's from Agent Smith! He's in my cabin and he wants to talk to us.
Cody: How do you know it's really from a spy?
Zack: 'Cause it says this message will self-destruct in five seconds. (rapid beeping from phone)
Cody: That's ridiculous. There's no way he could make a text message explo…
As he is about to finish, smoke steams up from the phone.
***
Zack and Cody walk into the cabin hallways.
Cody: I still don't think we should go meet this guy.
Zack: Oh, come on, there's nothing to be scared of.
Zack and Cody both give a startled shriek as they bump into London and Bailey.
London (to Bailey): I told you that outfit was ugly.
Bailey: Hey guys, what's going on?
Cody (anxiously): Nothing.
London: He's lying.
Bailey: W…Why would you say that?
London: When he lies, his nose crinkles. Watch – Cody, how tall are you?
Cody (nose crinkles): Five foot eleven.
London: I rest my case.
Zack: OK, it's settled. Cody's a short liar, let's go!! (goes to take Cody)
Bailey: Cody! I can't believe this. We're in a committed relationship and you're keeping secrets from me?
London: You should so break up with him.
Zack: Put it in an email. We gotta go!
Zack goes to run.
Cody: Bailey, you and I have no secrets. I'm an open book, I'll tell you anything you want to know.
Bailey: So, what are you doing?
Cody: Going to Zack's room for a top-secret meeting with an international spy.
Zack flares his frustration through hand mimes.
Bailey: Fine, don't tell me! (walks off)
Cody (calling after her): But my nose didn't even crinkle!
London: She is so 'gonna break up with you. Hmm…
London follows after Bailey, and Zack drags Cody down the corridor.
***
Cody, followed by Zack, enter Zack's cabin.
Cody: Good, he's not here – see you later.
Cody turns to exit, but grunting and groaning from the bathroom prevents this from happening.
Zack: Sounds like he's roughing somebody up!
Cody: Probably someone who broke their confidentiality agreement!
James Smith comes out of the bathroom in a sickly state. Zack and Cody cover their noses.
Zack: Whoaw, what are you doing in there, raising ponies?
James Smith: I have survived killer agents, ninja assassins, and even a penguin with a machine gun. And you two boys bought me to my knees with one bad Prune Wiz.
James starts spraying some air freshener around the room.
Zack (flinches on Cody): Aargh! Don't spray me with your super-spy poison spray!
James Smith: It's air freshener.
Cody: Well...t...still, stop! The (???) are bad for the environment.
James Smith: What I released in there is worse for the environment.
Zack: He's got a point.
James Smith (sits on bed): Look, I can't get more than five feet away from this toilet. Oh, and by the way, you have an excellent selection of comic books.
Zack: Thanks. Reading is my passion.
James Smith: Anyway, I need you to go to the party in the piano lounge tonight and rendezvous with my contact, Red Finger.
Mysterious spy music sounds for effect.
Zack (sits down beside James Smith): Oh, cool code name. Was she a former soviet spy?
James Smith: No, she jammed her finger in a door, it turned bright red and stayed that way. I need you to get a microchip from her.
Zack: What's on the microchip?
James Smith: None of your beeswax! (Zack and Cody share a glare) Suffice to say, it could save mankind.
Zack (excited gasp): We're on it! (stands) We're great at being sneaky.
Cody: I'm not, and I'm not doing it. (turns to exit)
James Smith: You'll do it or I'll...I'll tell you what I'll do when I get back. (turns back to the bathroom)
Zack (sits Cody down a chair): Cody, this is the opportunity of a lifetime.
Cody: To do what, die?
Zack: No, to have an adventure! Look, all your life you've played it safe. You didn't take the training wheels off your bike until you were 13, and even when you did you only took one off, you could only turn right! You wore your retainer for three years after the orthodontist said you could stop. You still take baths because you're afraid you'll slip in the shower. (shakes Cody) Live, Cody, live!
Cody (stands up): You know what, you're right. Tonight, I shower. But I'm not becoming a spy. (turns to leave)
Zack: You'll be Bailey's hero.
Cody (turns back triumphantly): I'm in!
James Smith comes out of the bathroom.
Zack: He's in.
James Smith: Good. OK (takes satchel of paper from his pocket), when you approach Red Finger, you must say this exactly.
Cody: "What crew threw the true blue goo that flew into my shoe?"
James Smith: Memorize those words and then eat the paper.
Cody: Yeah, I'd rather not...
***
In the piano lounge, Moseby is telling a joke to a group of high-classed people sitting at a table.
Moseby: Nougat!
Zack and Cody, dressed in suits, enter the lounge.
Cody: Remember, we're looking for a woman with a red finger.
They both look around. Zack sees an elderly woman by the piano with a glove on. He reaches over to take off the glove, but the woman slaps him, causing a reflex for Zack to turn and slap Cody, who in turn turns to slap Mr Moseby, who looks at them with a snarl.
Moseby: What are you doing here? I do not remember hiring you to work this party.
Zack (waves a hand): Yes, you did.
Moseby (waves a hand): No, I didn't.
Cody (to Zack): We're spies, not Jedi! (to Moseby; gasps) That busboy just shoved some shrimp into his pocket!
Moseby: I saw that, Francois! (walks off)
Cody: I don't see Red Finger!
Zack: We have to get these women to show us their hands.
They look over and see that London is by the piano, trying to make the pianist laugh.
London: Nougat! (laughs)
Cody: I have an idea. (walks over to London) London?
London: Mm-hm?
Cody: We need your help.
London (laughs): I don't help people.
Zack (waves a hand): London, you will help us.
London (robotically): I will help you.
Zack looks back at Cody with a smile.
***
London is sitting a table dressed like a fortune teller. Zack and Cody are standing at her side, as a woman from the party comes and sits down. In the middle of the table, London takes the flowers from the container of water and then moves it to the side.
London (with an accent): I am Madama Tiptonia, the fortune teller. (now with a normal voice) And let me tell you, I'm worth a fortune.
Zack: Now, take off your gloves so that she can "read your palms".
The fortune seeker takes off her gloves, to reveal she has no signs of a red finger. London screams when she sees the woman's palm.
Woman #1: What do you see?
London: Skin like a crocodile. I see a lot of moisturizer in your future.
Cody: Not her.
Zack tips the woman off the chair, and goes over to another woman standing by the piano, forcing her onto the chair.
Zack: Hey, want your fortune read? (spins her over to the table) Alright, here. (tears off the woman's gloves) Just trying to speed up the process.
Cody: It's not Red Finger, move on.
Zack pushes the woman on the chair forward slightly.
Zack: She sees a "journey" in your future.
Zack pushes the chair away, and we hear a clashing and banging.
London: Wow. I am good.
Zack: We're never going to find her!
A woman with a "red finger" puts their palm down on the table in front of London.
Red Finger: I'd like my palm read!
Mysterious spy music sounds again for effect.
London: Oh, good, then it'll match your finger!
Zack: It's her! (he and Cody approach the woman) Excuse me miss, can we talk to you for a second?
Red Finger: No.
Cody: Say the code, where's the code? (Bailey walks in and sees them)
Zack: Don't...
Bailey: There you are! You said you had to write a paper for school, and instead you're here, partying?
Cody: I'm not partying. I'm on a top secret mission that could save the world.
Bailey: I haven't heard a lie that big since Zeke Miller said his pig was a piano virtuoso. I mean, he was OK, but I wouldn't call him a virtuoso.
Zack: Hello, Red Finger's leaving!
Zack drags Cody out after Red Finger. London approaches Bailey.
London (speaks in an accent): Oh! Let me tell you your fortune. (screams, as she looks at Bailey's palm)
Bailey: What?
London: Your lifeline!
Bailey: What, is it short?
London: No, long. I was hoping to get my own room.
London walks off.
***
Zack and Cody walk out onto the sky deck, and they see Red Finger leaning over the railing overlooking the ocean. They walk over, and Cody taps her on the back, taking out the secret code from James Smith.
Cody: Um...what crew threw the true blue goo that flew in the kangaroo poo...?
Zack: I think it's kazoo.
Red Finger: I think I'm leaving (turns to walk off).
Zack: Look, it's been a long day, this tux is itchy, I had to hire a fortune teller, and they're all out of those miniature hot dogs. Are you the babe with the microchip or not?
Red Finger: Sshh! Fine, I'm Red Finger. I just wasn't expecting my contact to be so...
Cody: Handsome? Dashing?
Red Finger: Awkward, and pimply.
Zack and Cody look at each other's foreheads in regards to Red Finger's comment on their breakout.
Cody: Well, you're one to talk, about skin problems, Mrs Red Finger!
Zack: Do you have the microchip or not?
Red Finger: Here...
Red Finger takes an earring off and holds it up to Zack, waving her red finger in his face.
Cody: Don't touch it...
Zack: She almost touched my nose with it.
Zack takes the microchip swiftly and runs off with Cody.
***
Zack and Cody run into Zack's dorm.
Cody: Hello? Mr Smith?
Zack: J-Dogg?
James Smith (V/O from bathroom): Just a second!
James comes out of the bathroom.
Zack: Oh, OK, the spray's not working, crack open a porthole!
Cody: We've got something that will make you feel better. We secured the microchip.
James Smith: Aargh, excellent.
James sits down, and takes off his shoe to reveal some secret holes underneath.
Zack: Wow, you have secret compartments in your shoes?
James Smith: Just this one. (takes the other shoe) This other one is a hair-dryer.
He opens the hole on the other shoe and a mechanical wind blows at Zack and Cody.
James Smith: Now, I need you to do one more thing.
Zack (excited): Rendezvous with a submarine?
Cody (excited): Infiltrate a Swiss bank?
James Smith: Get me some more toilet paper! (runs off) I'll be in the little spy's room!
Cody: You know Zack, this really was exhilarating. I'm glad I let you talk me into it.
Suddenly, the door is opened and a henchman of Red Finger's comes in and takes Zack away. Cody tries to close the door, but another henchman comes in and steals Cody.
Cody: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
***
Zack and Cody are being tied up, back to back on seats, in Bailey and London's dorm.
Cody: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
Zack: Excuse me sir, could you tie his mouth shut please?
Cody (as the henchman exits): Aargh, I really hate you.
Zack: We 'gotta get outta' here!
They spin around on their chairs.
Zack: OK, this isn't working. Wait, I think I can reach your phone from your back pocket. (reaches around) Oh, oh, I got it ... here. (foots it to Cody) Call Bailey.
Cody: Oh, I'm out of minutes! I'll just have to send her a text.
Zack: Good idea. (Cody takes off his shoes and starts footing the phone) How's it coming?
Cody: Oh, OK, I think. I want Bailey to know that it's natural for relationships to suffer its up and downs. In nature, they're going to...
Zack: Just type HELP!
***
London and Bailey are sitting down at the juice bar on the sky deck.
Bailey: You know, I still can't believe Cody isn't telling me the truth. I mean, the single most important thing in a relationship is trust.
London (inhales): Oh, you should so break up with him.
Bailey (phone rings): That's Cody texting me now. This better be an apology. (reads text message) Dear Booley...(reads scrambled letters)
London: What is that, Swedish?
Bailey: No, it's gibberish.
London: Oh, I've never been to gibber! Is it nice?
Bailey: Yes, the clouds are made of cotton candy and the plants are made of bubble gum!
London (gasps): Can the boat stop there?
Bailey: Yours will.
London runs after Bailey.
***
Back in the dorm, Zack and Cody are still arguing as the door knob starts to rattle.
Cody: Someone's coming!
Zack: Oh, maybe it's Bailey!
Red Finger steps in, spy music plays again.
Cody: It's Red Finger!
Zack: Oh, thank goodness, we were grabbed by a couple of goons?
The henchmen enter beside Red Finger.
Henchman #1: Goons?
Cody: Oh, you are aware that we kids have appropriated the term 'goon' and turned it into a positive, like "what's up, my goon", or "that car's totally gooned out".
Red Finger: Shut up.
Cody: Yes, ma'am.
Red Finger: When I spoke to head quarters, they said that my contact was fished out of the sea by a Russian trawler.
Zack: Oh, maybe that was the guy Smith threw overboard!
Cody: Oh, you think?
Red Finger (seemingly flared): Smith? You're working for Smith?
Cody: Well, I wouldn't say working for, really...more like, an unpaid internship type thing.
Red Finger: Smith is the bad guy!
Zack: How do we know you're not the bad guy? After all, you do have a couple of goo...d looking guys working for you.
Red Finger: Smith stole the microchip from us! (presents ID)
Cody: The CIA?
Zack: Yep, that's her alright. Finger comma red. Man, I'm so confused. Smith seemed like such a good guy!
Red Finger: Well, he's not. He's a liar, liar, pants on fire.
Zack: Man, not J-Dogg. Well, he's in my cabin right now blowing chunks in the toilet.
The henchmen go off.
Cody: How could you just give Smith up like that? Anyone can fake an ID, you've done it enough times.
Zack: There's just something about her that makes me believe her.
Cody: Oh, please. You just think she's gorgeous.
Red Finger: Oh, really? Because I don't like my nose, and I've got this whole Red Finger...
Henchman #2 comes running in.
Henchman #2: Smith is gone, but he was definitely in there.
Red Finger: You have got to get the microchip back from Smith. The fate of the world depends on it!
She chops the ropes apart with her red finger.
Zack (standing): You, can count on us.
Cody: Well, me anyway.
Red Finger (following them out): Now, go!
***
The following morning, Zack and Cody, now changed, come down the sky deck stairs.
Cody: I can't believe we searched all night for Mr Smith and we couldn't find him.
Zack: Maybe he went "overboard".
Cody: Maybe he's in disguise.
Zack: Maybe he's in the hot tub! (points at the hot tub; Smith is sitting on the side)
Cody: Quick, find his shoes!
Smith takes his feet out of the water to reveal his soaked shoes.
Zack: Found 'em.
Cody: That is so bad for the leather, and j...just don't even get me started on the brown socks.
Zack (stops London as she walks by): London, we need your help! We need to get that guy's shoes off. So, we need you to read his feet.
London: Oh, great. First hands, now feet? This is more reading than I've done all year! (wraps some decoration across her forehead)
London approaches Smith, who is now sat at the juice bar.
London (with accent): Greetings, weary traveller! I am here to tell you your destiny. But first, I must read your feet. (crouches down)
James Smith: You could read my palms.
London: No, I'm in training – I'm starting at the bottom! (chucks his shoes behind to Zack and Cody)
Cody: I got the microchip! (opens the compartment to reveal it is the hair dryer)
London throws back the other shoe, Zack catches it and opens the compartment, grabbing out the microchip.
Zack: Got it!
James Smith (runs over): Hey! Hey, stop!
As Zack and Cody run away, London stays clinging to Smith's leg.
James Smith: Hey, hey, unhand me! Get back here! (escapes London's hold)
***
Zack and Cody run and hide in the dormitory hallway, as Smith runs past. Cody runs over to Bailey.
Cody: Bailey!
Bailey: I'm not talking to you.
Cody: OK, you don't have to talk to me, just hide this microchip!
Bailey: W...what are these marks?
Cody: Rope burns. I was tied up by the bad guy, with rope that had harsh cotton fibres.
Bailey: You mean that stupid spy story was real?
Cody: Yes! That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Bailey: Cody, I am so sorry for not trusting you. (hugs Cody)
Cody: It's OK, Bailey. Take this microchip back to your cabin and hide it. And for your own safety, promise me you won't look.
Bailey: I promise. And Cody...
Cody: Yeah?
Bailey: You're my hero.
Bailey leans in to kiss Cody, but Zack whips him away quickly.
Zack: Nope!
As Cody is dragged away, Bailey looks down at the microchip curiously.
***
Mr Moseby is sitting by the juice bar talking to a visitor.
Moseby: This ship is a boat-load of fun. You can play shuffle board, ping-pong...(Zack and Cody are being chased by Smith)...and tag!
Zack: Miss Finger! We got the microchip from Smith!
Zack and Cody run over to Red Finger and the "goons".
Cody: What up, goonizals?
James Smith: Noo! (the henchmen stand in his way) Oh, hello. Nice matching outfits.
Red Finger: Get him.
James Smith: Oh, no, gentleman, please. No violence, really.
James Smith tackles one of the henchmen to the ground violently, much to the shock of the watching crowd. The remaining henchman runs off, scared.
Red Finger: It's so good to find good goons these days.
Moseby: That explains all the broken tables.
James Smith: Now, that microchip belongs to me.
Red Finger: He's lying!
James Smith: She's lying!
Red Finger: If the liar says I'm lying, then I'm not lying.
James Smith: Unless you're a liar.
Red Finger: I know you are, but what am I?
James Smith: Liar says what.
Red Finger: What?
James Smith and Zack share a "secret" hand-shake, laughing at Red Finger's mistake.
James Smith: I win!
Moseby: Oh, wait, so you two really are spies? I can't believe you two were actually telling the truth.
Zack: Bound to happen some time.
Cody: Well, neither of you are going to get that microchip, because it's some place safe where you'll never find it.
Bailey steps in the middle of it all, in her hands she has the microchip.
Bailey: Hey guys, about this whole top-secret microchip thing...
Red Finger (snatching the microchip): That's mine!
James Smith (steals it): No, it's mine!
Moseby (stealing it): It's mine! Now, I will put the microchip in a safe place until this matter is resolved.
Moseby turns and puts the microchip in a hidden place...he walks off.
Cody: Bailey, I asked you to hold onto that microchip, you put the whole world in jeopardy!
Bailey: Yeah, the world of sandwiches. And tasty summer salads.
Zack: Huh?
Bailey: I looked at it on my computer, it's a recipe for a mayonnaise.
James Smith: Correction – zero calorie mayonnaise.
Zack: You said what was on that microchip could save mankind.
James Smith: Yes, from obesity and dry sandwiches.
Red Finger: But the recipe belongs to my company!
Cody: You said you were with the CIA.
Red Finger: Yes, the Condiment Institute of America.
Zack (to Smith): You're with the NSA.
James Smith: National Sandwich Alliance.
Red Finger: We could've sold that zero-calorie mayo for fifty bucks a jar. You kids may not be aware of this, but that is a lot to pay for mayonnaise.
Bailey: Well, now people are getting it for free.
James Smith (anxious): What? Wait, why!!
Bailey: Because, I sent the recipe to my Aunt Merdle, and she put it on the web.
James Smith: She put it on the internet?
Bailey: Oh, no, no, no, it's this huge spider web outside her house where she hangs notes. You know, "free kittens, tractors for sale", everyone in town looks at it.
James Smith: So what do we do now?
Red Finger: Well, I've been dying to try the buffet on the lido deck.
James Smith (links arms with her): Well I'll join in you. It'll be nice to have something going in for a change. (they walk off)
Cody: Bailey, I can't believe you broke your promise and looked at that microchip. How can I trust you again?
Bailey leans in and kisses him.
Cody: All is forgiven.
Cody walks off, and Zack holds out his cheek hoping for a kiss from Bailey. Cody turns back and drags Zack away.
Cody: Nope!
The Suite Life on Deck © Walt Disney
No infringement is intended by the transcription of this episode originally written by Jim Geoghan.
Cody: Whoaw, slow night. Are you as bored as I am?
Zack: I was as bored as you. Then you showed up and I'm even more bored!
Cody: The most fun I've had all night was cleaning up the lint trap in the laundry room.
Zack: Whoaw! Next time can I watch?
Zack and Cody turns as they see a harness clamps onto a table on the landing adjacent to the staircase, a man takes off his swimsuit to reveal a formal tux. As a figure in black approaches, a violent fight between him and the man in the tux ensues. The fight takes them down the stairwell – Zack and Cody crouch underneath the counter watching with endorsement. Eventually the man in the tux throws the man in black overboard, and throws a life circle overboard after the splash.
James Smith: Europe is to the left!
Zack: …things just got slightly less boring…
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Zack and Cody come out from beneath the counter.
Zack: That was awesome!
Cody: We have to go tell Mr Moseby.
Zack: Are you kidding? He didn't even believe me when I told him the men's room was out of soap.
Cody: Maybe because you never use soap, now let's get out of here!
As they turn away, they are stopped by the confrontation of the spy.
James Smith: Gentleman. I'm afraid I can't let you go after what you've just seen.
Zack: I didn't see a thing…I was tying my shoe!
Cody: I was helping him…no, really, the loops confuse him.
Zack: So, we won't say a thing, but just between us…are you a spy?
James Smith: Yes. I work for the NSA. My name is Smith. James Smith. But you can call Smitty, or J-Dogg.
Cody: OK, J-Dogg. Well clearly you have a license to kill, or at least a learner's permit, so we'll just be on our way. Cheerio!
James Smith (holds up pen): Hold it!
Zack: Argh, laser pen!
The two of them madly hide behind each other in fright.
James Smith: No, it's just a pen. I need you both to sign this…(takes out paper)…confidentially agreement.
Zack: Oeky-doke.
Zack quickly takes the paper and signs it. Cody paces, reading through it.
Cody: Mm-hm…argh, wait. Right here it says in the event of a dispute, an arbiter shall be chosen by a third party, it is…
James Smith: This may just be a regular pen, but I can still jab you with it.
Cody (quickly signs paper): …Cody Martin…
He hands the paper back to James Smith, who then takes a sip from the cup on the counter.
Zack: Argh, Mr Smith…that prune wiz went bad weeks ago!
Cody: Oh, don't worry. I'm sure it's part of his spy training to become impervious to any potentially poisonous substance.
James Smith: True. Unfortunately, I was absent that day…I was…bathroom!
He runs off towards the bathroom, covering his mouth.
Cody (calling): That's the ladies restroom!
James Smith: Don't care!
***
Zack and Cody run up to the reception desk, where Mr Moseby is standing behind the counter.
Cody: Mr Moseby, there's a spy on the ship!
Zack: And he got rid of another spy by tossing him overboard!
Cody: But don't tell him we told you because we signed our names to a confidentiality agreement.
Zack: Actually, I signed Mr Moseby's name.
Cody: Oh, good thinking.
Moseby: A spy, huh? Is this like the time you were being chased by a leprechaun?
Zack: You've 'gotta admit, that guy was short.
Cody: And green.
Moseby: He was a seasick little person!
Zack: How do you explain the pot of gold?
Moseby: He was delivering London's allowance!
Cody: OK, but…
Moseby makes childish noises to get them to be quiet.
Moseby: Just go away. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a real problem to deal with on the lido deck. Someone spotted a unicorn! (snorts exclaim)
As Moseby walks away, Zack sighs and his mobile goes off. He looks up at the text message.
Zack: It's from Agent Smith! He's in my cabin and he wants to talk to us.
Cody: How do you know it's really from a spy?
Zack: 'Cause it says this message will self-destruct in five seconds. (rapid beeping from phone)
Cody: That's ridiculous. There's no way he could make a text message explo…
As he is about to finish, smoke steams up from the phone.
***
Zack and Cody walk into the cabin hallways.
Cody: I still don't think we should go meet this guy.
Zack: Oh, come on, there's nothing to be scared of.
Zack and Cody both give a startled shriek as they bump into London and Bailey.
London (to Bailey): I told you that outfit was ugly.
Bailey: Hey guys, what's going on?
Cody (anxiously): Nothing.
London: He's lying.
Bailey: W…Why would you say that?
London: When he lies, his nose crinkles. Watch – Cody, how tall are you?
Cody (nose crinkles): Five foot eleven.
London: I rest my case.
Zack: OK, it's settled. Cody's a short liar, let's go!! (goes to take Cody)
Bailey: Cody! I can't believe this. We're in a committed relationship and you're keeping secrets from me?
London: You should so break up with him.
Zack: Put it in an email. We gotta go!
Zack goes to run.
Cody: Bailey, you and I have no secrets. I'm an open book, I'll tell you anything you want to know.
Bailey: So, what are you doing?
Cody: Going to Zack's room for a top-secret meeting with an international spy.
Zack flares his frustration through hand mimes.
Bailey: Fine, don't tell me! (walks off)
Cody (calling after her): But my nose didn't even crinkle!
London: She is so 'gonna break up with you. Hmm…
London follows after Bailey, and Zack drags Cody down the corridor.
***
Cody, followed by Zack, enter Zack's cabin.
Cody: Good, he's not here – see you later.
Cody turns to exit, but grunting and groaning from the bathroom prevents this from happening.
Zack: Sounds like he's roughing somebody up!
Cody: Probably someone who broke their confidentiality agreement!
James Smith comes out of the bathroom in a sickly state. Zack and Cody cover their noses.
Zack: Whoaw, what are you doing in there, raising ponies?
James Smith: I have survived killer agents, ninja assassins, and even a penguin with a machine gun. And you two boys bought me to my knees with one bad Prune Wiz.
James starts spraying some air freshener around the room.
Zack (flinches on Cody): Aargh! Don't spray me with your super-spy poison spray!
James Smith: It's air freshener.
Cody: Well...t...still, stop! The (???) are bad for the environment.
James Smith: What I released in there is worse for the environment.
Zack: He's got a point.
James Smith (sits on bed): Look, I can't get more than five feet away from this toilet. Oh, and by the way, you have an excellent selection of comic books.
Zack: Thanks. Reading is my passion.
James Smith: Anyway, I need you to go to the party in the piano lounge tonight and rendezvous with my contact, Red Finger.
Mysterious spy music sounds for effect.
Zack (sits down beside James Smith): Oh, cool code name. Was she a former soviet spy?
James Smith: No, she jammed her finger in a door, it turned bright red and stayed that way. I need you to get a microchip from her.
Zack: What's on the microchip?
James Smith: None of your beeswax! (Zack and Cody share a glare) Suffice to say, it could save mankind.
Zack (excited gasp): We're on it! (stands) We're great at being sneaky.
Cody: I'm not, and I'm not doing it. (turns to exit)
James Smith: You'll do it or I'll...I'll tell you what I'll do when I get back. (turns back to the bathroom)
Zack (sits Cody down a chair): Cody, this is the opportunity of a lifetime.
Cody: To do what, die?
Zack: No, to have an adventure! Look, all your life you've played it safe. You didn't take the training wheels off your bike until you were 13, and even when you did you only took one off, you could only turn right! You wore your retainer for three years after the orthodontist said you could stop. You still take baths because you're afraid you'll slip in the shower. (shakes Cody) Live, Cody, live!
Cody (stands up): You know what, you're right. Tonight, I shower. But I'm not becoming a spy. (turns to leave)
Zack: You'll be Bailey's hero.
Cody (turns back triumphantly): I'm in!
James Smith comes out of the bathroom.
Zack: He's in.
James Smith: Good. OK (takes satchel of paper from his pocket), when you approach Red Finger, you must say this exactly.
Cody: "What crew threw the true blue goo that flew into my shoe?"
James Smith: Memorize those words and then eat the paper.
Cody: Yeah, I'd rather not...
***
In the piano lounge, Moseby is telling a joke to a group of high-classed people sitting at a table.
Moseby: Nougat!
Zack and Cody, dressed in suits, enter the lounge.
Cody: Remember, we're looking for a woman with a red finger.
They both look around. Zack sees an elderly woman by the piano with a glove on. He reaches over to take off the glove, but the woman slaps him, causing a reflex for Zack to turn and slap Cody, who in turn turns to slap Mr Moseby, who looks at them with a snarl.
Moseby: What are you doing here? I do not remember hiring you to work this party.
Zack (waves a hand): Yes, you did.
Moseby (waves a hand): No, I didn't.
Cody (to Zack): We're spies, not Jedi! (to Moseby; gasps) That busboy just shoved some shrimp into his pocket!
Moseby: I saw that, Francois! (walks off)
Cody: I don't see Red Finger!
Zack: We have to get these women to show us their hands.
They look over and see that London is by the piano, trying to make the pianist laugh.
London: Nougat! (laughs)
Cody: I have an idea. (walks over to London) London?
London: Mm-hm?
Cody: We need your help.
London (laughs): I don't help people.
Zack (waves a hand): London, you will help us.
London (robotically): I will help you.
Zack looks back at Cody with a smile.
***
London is sitting a table dressed like a fortune teller. Zack and Cody are standing at her side, as a woman from the party comes and sits down. In the middle of the table, London takes the flowers from the container of water and then moves it to the side.
London (with an accent): I am Madama Tiptonia, the fortune teller. (now with a normal voice) And let me tell you, I'm worth a fortune.
Zack: Now, take off your gloves so that she can "read your palms".
The fortune seeker takes off her gloves, to reveal she has no signs of a red finger. London screams when she sees the woman's palm.
Woman #1: What do you see?
London: Skin like a crocodile. I see a lot of moisturizer in your future.
Cody: Not her.
Zack tips the woman off the chair, and goes over to another woman standing by the piano, forcing her onto the chair.
Zack: Hey, want your fortune read? (spins her over to the table) Alright, here. (tears off the woman's gloves) Just trying to speed up the process.
Cody: It's not Red Finger, move on.
Zack pushes the woman on the chair forward slightly.
Zack: She sees a "journey" in your future.
Zack pushes the chair away, and we hear a clashing and banging.
London: Wow. I am good.
Zack: We're never going to find her!
A woman with a "red finger" puts their palm down on the table in front of London.
Red Finger: I'd like my palm read!
Mysterious spy music sounds again for effect.
London: Oh, good, then it'll match your finger!
Zack: It's her! (he and Cody approach the woman) Excuse me miss, can we talk to you for a second?
Red Finger: No.
Cody: Say the code, where's the code? (Bailey walks in and sees them)
Zack: Don't...
Bailey: There you are! You said you had to write a paper for school, and instead you're here, partying?
Cody: I'm not partying. I'm on a top secret mission that could save the world.
Bailey: I haven't heard a lie that big since Zeke Miller said his pig was a piano virtuoso. I mean, he was OK, but I wouldn't call him a virtuoso.
Zack: Hello, Red Finger's leaving!
Zack drags Cody out after Red Finger. London approaches Bailey.
London (speaks in an accent): Oh! Let me tell you your fortune. (screams, as she looks at Bailey's palm)
Bailey: What?
London: Your lifeline!
Bailey: What, is it short?
London: No, long. I was hoping to get my own room.
London walks off.
***
Zack and Cody walk out onto the sky deck, and they see Red Finger leaning over the railing overlooking the ocean. They walk over, and Cody taps her on the back, taking out the secret code from James Smith.
Cody: Um...what crew threw the true blue goo that flew in the kangaroo poo...?
Zack: I think it's kazoo.
Red Finger: I think I'm leaving (turns to walk off).
Zack: Look, it's been a long day, this tux is itchy, I had to hire a fortune teller, and they're all out of those miniature hot dogs. Are you the babe with the microchip or not?
Red Finger: Sshh! Fine, I'm Red Finger. I just wasn't expecting my contact to be so...
Cody: Handsome? Dashing?
Red Finger: Awkward, and pimply.
Zack and Cody look at each other's foreheads in regards to Red Finger's comment on their breakout.
Cody: Well, you're one to talk, about skin problems, Mrs Red Finger!
Zack: Do you have the microchip or not?
Red Finger: Here...
Red Finger takes an earring off and holds it up to Zack, waving her red finger in his face.
Cody: Don't touch it...
Zack: She almost touched my nose with it.
Zack takes the microchip swiftly and runs off with Cody.
***
Zack and Cody run into Zack's dorm.
Cody: Hello? Mr Smith?
Zack: J-Dogg?
James Smith (V/O from bathroom): Just a second!
James comes out of the bathroom.
Zack: Oh, OK, the spray's not working, crack open a porthole!
Cody: We've got something that will make you feel better. We secured the microchip.
James Smith: Aargh, excellent.
James sits down, and takes off his shoe to reveal some secret holes underneath.
Zack: Wow, you have secret compartments in your shoes?
James Smith: Just this one. (takes the other shoe) This other one is a hair-dryer.
He opens the hole on the other shoe and a mechanical wind blows at Zack and Cody.
James Smith: Now, I need you to do one more thing.
Zack (excited): Rendezvous with a submarine?
Cody (excited): Infiltrate a Swiss bank?
James Smith: Get me some more toilet paper! (runs off) I'll be in the little spy's room!
Cody: You know Zack, this really was exhilarating. I'm glad I let you talk me into it.
Suddenly, the door is opened and a henchman of Red Finger's comes in and takes Zack away. Cody tries to close the door, but another henchman comes in and steals Cody.
Cody: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
***
Zack and Cody are being tied up, back to back on seats, in Bailey and London's dorm.
Cody: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
Zack: Excuse me sir, could you tie his mouth shut please?
Cody (as the henchman exits): Aargh, I really hate you.
Zack: We 'gotta get outta' here!
They spin around on their chairs.
Zack: OK, this isn't working. Wait, I think I can reach your phone from your back pocket. (reaches around) Oh, oh, I got it ... here. (foots it to Cody) Call Bailey.
Cody: Oh, I'm out of minutes! I'll just have to send her a text.
Zack: Good idea. (Cody takes off his shoes and starts footing the phone) How's it coming?
Cody: Oh, OK, I think. I want Bailey to know that it's natural for relationships to suffer its up and downs. In nature, they're going to...
Zack: Just type HELP!
***
London and Bailey are sitting down at the juice bar on the sky deck.
Bailey: You know, I still can't believe Cody isn't telling me the truth. I mean, the single most important thing in a relationship is trust.
London (inhales): Oh, you should so break up with him.
Bailey (phone rings): That's Cody texting me now. This better be an apology. (reads text message) Dear Booley...(reads scrambled letters)
London: What is that, Swedish?
Bailey: No, it's gibberish.
London: Oh, I've never been to gibber! Is it nice?
Bailey: Yes, the clouds are made of cotton candy and the plants are made of bubble gum!
London (gasps): Can the boat stop there?
Bailey: Yours will.
London runs after Bailey.
***
Back in the dorm, Zack and Cody are still arguing as the door knob starts to rattle.
Cody: Someone's coming!
Zack: Oh, maybe it's Bailey!
Red Finger steps in, spy music plays again.
Cody: It's Red Finger!
Zack: Oh, thank goodness, we were grabbed by a couple of goons?
The henchmen enter beside Red Finger.
Henchman #1: Goons?
Cody: Oh, you are aware that we kids have appropriated the term 'goon' and turned it into a positive, like "what's up, my goon", or "that car's totally gooned out".
Red Finger: Shut up.
Cody: Yes, ma'am.
Red Finger: When I spoke to head quarters, they said that my contact was fished out of the sea by a Russian trawler.
Zack: Oh, maybe that was the guy Smith threw overboard!
Cody: Oh, you think?
Red Finger (seemingly flared): Smith? You're working for Smith?
Cody: Well, I wouldn't say working for, really...more like, an unpaid internship type thing.
Red Finger: Smith is the bad guy!
Zack: How do we know you're not the bad guy? After all, you do have a couple of goo...d looking guys working for you.
Red Finger: Smith stole the microchip from us! (presents ID)
Cody: The CIA?
Zack: Yep, that's her alright. Finger comma red. Man, I'm so confused. Smith seemed like such a good guy!
Red Finger: Well, he's not. He's a liar, liar, pants on fire.
Zack: Man, not J-Dogg. Well, he's in my cabin right now blowing chunks in the toilet.
The henchmen go off.
Cody: How could you just give Smith up like that? Anyone can fake an ID, you've done it enough times.
Zack: There's just something about her that makes me believe her.
Cody: Oh, please. You just think she's gorgeous.
Red Finger: Oh, really? Because I don't like my nose, and I've got this whole Red Finger...
Henchman #2 comes running in.
Henchman #2: Smith is gone, but he was definitely in there.
Red Finger: You have got to get the microchip back from Smith. The fate of the world depends on it!
She chops the ropes apart with her red finger.
Zack (standing): You, can count on us.
Cody: Well, me anyway.
Red Finger (following them out): Now, go!
***
The following morning, Zack and Cody, now changed, come down the sky deck stairs.
Cody: I can't believe we searched all night for Mr Smith and we couldn't find him.
Zack: Maybe he went "overboard".
Cody: Maybe he's in disguise.
Zack: Maybe he's in the hot tub! (points at the hot tub; Smith is sitting on the side)
Cody: Quick, find his shoes!
Smith takes his feet out of the water to reveal his soaked shoes.
Zack: Found 'em.
Cody: That is so bad for the leather, and j...just don't even get me started on the brown socks.
Zack (stops London as she walks by): London, we need your help! We need to get that guy's shoes off. So, we need you to read his feet.
London: Oh, great. First hands, now feet? This is more reading than I've done all year! (wraps some decoration across her forehead)
London approaches Smith, who is now sat at the juice bar.
London (with accent): Greetings, weary traveller! I am here to tell you your destiny. But first, I must read your feet. (crouches down)
James Smith: You could read my palms.
London: No, I'm in training – I'm starting at the bottom! (chucks his shoes behind to Zack and Cody)
Cody: I got the microchip! (opens the compartment to reveal it is the hair dryer)
London throws back the other shoe, Zack catches it and opens the compartment, grabbing out the microchip.
Zack: Got it!
James Smith (runs over): Hey! Hey, stop!
As Zack and Cody run away, London stays clinging to Smith's leg.
James Smith: Hey, hey, unhand me! Get back here! (escapes London's hold)
***
Zack and Cody run and hide in the dormitory hallway, as Smith runs past. Cody runs over to Bailey.
Cody: Bailey!
Bailey: I'm not talking to you.
Cody: OK, you don't have to talk to me, just hide this microchip!
Bailey: W...what are these marks?
Cody: Rope burns. I was tied up by the bad guy, with rope that had harsh cotton fibres.
Bailey: You mean that stupid spy story was real?
Cody: Yes! That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Bailey: Cody, I am so sorry for not trusting you. (hugs Cody)
Cody: It's OK, Bailey. Take this microchip back to your cabin and hide it. And for your own safety, promise me you won't look.
Bailey: I promise. And Cody...
Cody: Yeah?
Bailey: You're my hero.
Bailey leans in to kiss Cody, but Zack whips him away quickly.
Zack: Nope!
As Cody is dragged away, Bailey looks down at the microchip curiously.
***
Mr Moseby is sitting by the juice bar talking to a visitor.
Moseby: This ship is a boat-load of fun. You can play shuffle board, ping-pong...(Zack and Cody are being chased by Smith)...and tag!
Zack: Miss Finger! We got the microchip from Smith!
Zack and Cody run over to Red Finger and the "goons".
Cody: What up, goonizals?
James Smith: Noo! (the henchmen stand in his way) Oh, hello. Nice matching outfits.
Red Finger: Get him.
James Smith: Oh, no, gentleman, please. No violence, really.
James Smith tackles one of the henchmen to the ground violently, much to the shock of the watching crowd. The remaining henchman runs off, scared.
Red Finger: It's so good to find good goons these days.
Moseby: That explains all the broken tables.
James Smith: Now, that microchip belongs to me.
Red Finger: He's lying!
James Smith: She's lying!
Red Finger: If the liar says I'm lying, then I'm not lying.
James Smith: Unless you're a liar.
Red Finger: I know you are, but what am I?
James Smith: Liar says what.
Red Finger: What?
James Smith and Zack share a "secret" hand-shake, laughing at Red Finger's mistake.
James Smith: I win!
Moseby: Oh, wait, so you two really are spies? I can't believe you two were actually telling the truth.
Zack: Bound to happen some time.
Cody: Well, neither of you are going to get that microchip, because it's some place safe where you'll never find it.
Bailey steps in the middle of it all, in her hands she has the microchip.
Bailey: Hey guys, about this whole top-secret microchip thing...
Red Finger (snatching the microchip): That's mine!
James Smith (steals it): No, it's mine!
Moseby (stealing it): It's mine! Now, I will put the microchip in a safe place until this matter is resolved.
Moseby turns and puts the microchip in a hidden place...he walks off.
Cody: Bailey, I asked you to hold onto that microchip, you put the whole world in jeopardy!
Bailey: Yeah, the world of sandwiches. And tasty summer salads.
Zack: Huh?
Bailey: I looked at it on my computer, it's a recipe for a mayonnaise.
James Smith: Correction – zero calorie mayonnaise.
Zack: You said what was on that microchip could save mankind.
James Smith: Yes, from obesity and dry sandwiches.
Red Finger: But the recipe belongs to my company!
Cody: You said you were with the CIA.
Red Finger: Yes, the Condiment Institute of America.
Zack (to Smith): You're with the NSA.
James Smith: National Sandwich Alliance.
Red Finger: We could've sold that zero-calorie mayo for fifty bucks a jar. You kids may not be aware of this, but that is a lot to pay for mayonnaise.
Bailey: Well, now people are getting it for free.
James Smith (anxious): What? Wait, why!!
Bailey: Because, I sent the recipe to my Aunt Merdle, and she put it on the web.
James Smith: She put it on the internet?
Bailey: Oh, no, no, no, it's this huge spider web outside her house where she hangs notes. You know, "free kittens, tractors for sale", everyone in town looks at it.
James Smith: So what do we do now?
Red Finger: Well, I've been dying to try the buffet on the lido deck.
James Smith (links arms with her): Well I'll join in you. It'll be nice to have something going in for a change. (they walk off)
Cody: Bailey, I can't believe you broke your promise and looked at that microchip. How can I trust you again?
Bailey leans in and kisses him.
Cody: All is forgiven.
Cody walks off, and Zack holds out his cheek hoping for a kiss from Bailey. Cody turns back and drags Zack away.
Cody: Nope!
The Suite Life on Deck © Walt Disney
No infringement is intended by the transcription of this episode originally written by Jim Geoghan.
